Does the title even make sense? Fear of the Fearless?
I just thought it might be interesting to look at it literally. Moving on, this post talks about my only fear, which might be also interesting for those who are interested to know. 🙂
I have this innate ability to recognize the monsters parading around in human guise (life lessons). Every one of us has a base fear; one or more things that curdle our stomach, fears which crawl beneath the skin like an itch they can’t scratch. Ignoring the itch won’t make it stop nor halt the fear. Why does it scare us so much, is there more reality and suffrage in view within the horrifying than anything else?
Here begins my little story for you. I fear I can’t provide a good life for my family and myself, and so I accept any challenge in every door that opens which I think is good. I try my hardest to “disguise” and live as someone brave to set forth in doing many things.
Three months ago I had this little tiny nudge: a nudge to shift, to relaunch, to step up to the plate of my life. I said yes, awaiting my next milestone. Actually, I said “okay” because saying yes to something you can’t see…well, that’s just terrifying.
And because “okay” is really just a thinly veiled “Okay, I’m having doubts, but I’ll try to tentatively trust.” Life answered in return with, “Okay, I hear your doubts, so we’ll take this slow.”
So, for the past months, I inched in. There were a few moments of “Um…” or even one or two of “Eek!” but mostly I walked a comfortable little path. I took the plunge and started anyway. Now I am riding along. I accepted new people and new means. I opened my whole heart and soul to receive them. Life rushed in.
Looking back, I see what I thought was pain, obstacles and stress. But you know what I see now? Strength training.
I can put it like weight lifting. You put resistance on your muscles to build them. When you say “Yes!” (and really mean it), life begins its job of giving you opportunities that would teach you to grow.
This can feel tiring, overwhelming, even painful at times because it’s usually going to start with the discovery and healing of all the things that are going to get in your way of what comes next. You can call it struggle, but only one perspective is going to get you through it. Only one is going to keep you standing tall: you yourself.
Side talk: As I’m living this costly lifestyle, where I take my lunch out every work day, pay my own room rent and utilities, pay my sister’s tuition, buy myself groceries, toiletries and top-up load for my EZ-Link card (transportation), I cannot afford to spend for other things for myself anymore.
I realized that in order to save more, I’d have to cook and prepare lunch in the morning and have it as a packed meal and walk to the nearest station instead of taking a bus or train where the nearest grocery is. This would save me half my budget for food and some for transportation. For these own so-called “policies,” I’d have stronger sense of self-control and self-discipline.
Eventually, I’ll be finding this fear as one that gives way to opposing emotions, courage, compassion and hope. All of what we perceive–the ugly demographic to the beautiful poetic—go hand in hand. We short sight ourselves when we refuse to acknowledge far more emotional baggage exist in one form or another in our lives.
Most people would obsess about the outline, but they can’t be bothered to color inside the lines. We obsess with our happily-ever-after and never quite appreciate the darker aspects we trespass on the journey.
Life is a multifaceted compromise made of a colorful humanity. There is no black and white drawn ideology. We can draw in, outside, over the lines if we so choose.
I end this post with a quote from Kahlil Gibran I found in the Internet galaxy:
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
The trick is to find the beauty in the wreckage while still aware of the broken pieces left lying about then from there, grow stronger, open your heart to adapt and expand your capabilities.
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