The last four weeks have been deep. Workload in the office has really began to pedal in. Alternate Saturdays for rest were given, but the working weekend schedule did not give me enough “air” to breathe in. My timetable was jam-packed. I forgot the last time I ever had it uncrowded with things to do. Rushed days stack endlessly up against each other. One tiny push is all it takes for them to tip over and fall flat against the upcoming. But I won’t let that happen ostensibly. Howbeit, I get stuck with this mindfulness and more consciousness about stuff related to work and other powerful connections.
I’ve looked forward to this day for so long, knowing that I have two days more to rest my mind. Yet here I am, with tears almost at the edge of my eyes and my heart almost breaking. I had no idea it would feel like this. Now I’m just blogging to dwell in it and allow myself to release that which I’ve been holding onto.
This very feeling probably makes me somewhat scared of happiness sometimes. To quote Hazelmarie Elliott,
“Happiness and sadness run parallel to each other. When one takes a rest, the other one tends to take up the slack.”
I guess it’s true. So constantly, when I sense that there’s extreme happiness on the way, I urge myself to run back to hide behind the skirts of indifference and curl up under a quilt of neutrality. I’d always want to run back to the familiar, too afraid to find out what the alternative might be.
Tomorrow, we’re going to celebrate my paternal grandfather’s 84th [Chinese] birthday. This means seeing everyone’s smiling faces and thanking God once again for family. Before that, in the morning, I’d have another wushu photoshoot. And before that, I’m going to see Him in church. I hope to receive good clues and answers to my question
Free guessing game: What is this about? Sigh. Not work. Not family. Not friends.
Maybe, it’s just me.