Category: Life in SG

Is the world going to be over today (May 21, 2011)?

Don’t dream it’s over. Or: Don’t dream. It’s over. My vote? The latter. Well, it’s almost 10PM now, and the world did not end. Here are some funny pictures of people who were convinced it’s going to end today at 6PM.

My two cents: It may not end, literally. The disasters may be a wake-up call for us to change—change that may mark an “end” to an era. We must change our ways for the better and for the sake of the world. Every little bit helps. Mother nature is enforcing her powers and keeping the world in balance.

The disasters have caused many deaths. The disasters will also bring people together to help one another. They also show that people do not own and rule the world. We are merely living here and we have taken too much from Earth, and now Mother nature is taking back from us. What has been destroyed paves the way for a new, better and brighter future where we live in harmony with the living.

Then again, I thank those people who believed and kept on insisting onto others that the awaited “phenomenon” is true. I had sheer entertainment. The news articles made me ponder on what my last words in my last breath on earth will be. For the record, it’s “I love you, always”—to those I love—until the world we know becomes a forgotten history in the books of aliens.

This end-of-the-world theory also made me think that life’s imagery cannot compare to that which the mind envisions. Reality is a mere distraction when imagination abounds with the genius of a little dream or some interpretation from the Bible or reading on what happens in the future in time.

Everything in our world renders no more than a passing glance as the eyes of the make believer shift inward to gaze upon the vast landscape of his newfound fantasy!

Despite this, we are still free to explore beyond the realm of logic and become lost and entirely detached from all rational matters, psychologically separated from the rigging of an artless world. Our thoughts might be endless and overflowing, subjective by an emotional luxury of personal freedom—a freedom that not only nourishes the fruit of vision, but also serves as the vine by which it thrives.

So, will the world ever end? Only God knows. We, on the other hand, may discover some answers hither and tither by living the question.

Just live, you know. Just love.

Does the title even make sense? Fear of the Fearless?

I just thought it might be interesting to look at it literally. Moving on, this post talks about my only fear, which might be also interesting for those who are interested to know. 🙂

I have this innate ability to recognize the monsters parading around in human guise (life lessons). Every one of us has a base fear; one or more things that curdle our stomach, fears which crawl beneath the skin like an itch they can’t scratch. Ignoring the itch won’t make it stop nor halt the fear. Why does it scare us so much, is there more reality and suffrage in view within the horrifying than anything else?

Here begins my little story for you. I fear I can’t provide a good life for my family and myself, and so I accept any challenge in every door that opens which I think is good. I try my hardest to “disguise” and live as someone brave to set forth in doing many things.

Three months ago I had this little tiny nudge: a nudge to shift, to relaunch, to step up to the plate of my life. I said yes, awaiting my next milestone. Actually, I said “okay” because saying yes to something you can’t see…well, that’s just terrifying.

And because “okay” is really just a thinly veiled “Okay, I’m having doubts, but I’ll try to tentatively trust.” Life answered in return with, “Okay, I hear your doubts, so we’ll take this slow.”

So, for the past months, I inched in. There were a few moments of “Um…” or even one or two of “Eek!” but mostly I walked a comfortable little path. I took the plunge and started anyway. Now I am riding along. I accepted new people and new means. I opened my whole heart and soul to receive them. Life rushed in.

Looking back, I see what I thought was pain, obstacles and stress. But you know what I see now? Strength training.

I can put it like weight lifting. You put resistance on your muscles to build them. When you say “Yes!” (and really mean it), life begins its job of giving you opportunities that would teach you to grow.

This can feel tiring, overwhelming, even painful at times because it’s usually going to start with the discovery and healing of all the things that are going to get in your way of what comes next. You can call it struggle, but only one perspective is going to get you through it. Only one is going to keep you standing tall: you yourself.

Side talk: As I’m living this costly lifestyle, where I take my lunch out every work day, pay my own room rent and utilities, pay my sister’s tuition, buy myself groceries, toiletries and top-up load for my EZ-Link card (transportation), I cannot afford to spend for other things for myself anymore.

I realized that in order to save more, I’d have to cook and prepare lunch in the morning and have it as a packed meal and walk to the nearest station instead of taking a bus or train where the nearest grocery is. This would save me half my budget for food and some for transportation. For these own so-called “policies,” I’d have stronger sense of self-control and self-discipline.

Eventually, I’ll be finding this fear as one that gives way to opposing emotions, courage, compassion and hope. All of what we perceive–the ugly demographic to the beautiful poetic—go hand in hand. We short sight ourselves when we refuse to acknowledge far more emotional baggage exist in one form or another in our lives.

Most people would obsess about the outline, but they can’t be bothered to color inside the lines. We obsess with our happily-ever-after and never quite appreciate the darker aspects we trespass on the journey.

Life is a multifaceted compromise made of a colorful humanity. There is no black and white drawn ideology. We can draw in, outside, over the lines if we so choose.

I end this post with a quote from Kahlil Gibran I found in the Internet galaxy:

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

The trick is to find the beauty in the wreckage while still aware of the broken pieces left lying about then from there, grow stronger, open your heart to adapt and expand your capabilities.

My sister has sent me a set of pictures and video of my dad lying on the hospital bed before the second operation yesterday. We’re glad the surgery was successful. But when I saw the documentary just now, my eyes went bleary.

My brain said “kladk;njfbjfofuew”.

My heart melted, leaving me without a way to say anything—no words, just a bundle of heartbreaking emotions oozing out.

Here’s the affidavit of testimony my sister wrote as told by Daddy and edited by my uncle. Swearing to in accordance with the law, he hereby stated:

Daddy’s Affidavit of Testimony

1. That on April 27, 2011, at around 11:00 AM, he was about to take a jeepney at Soler St. near R. Regente. So, he called the jeepney and it stopped for him; thus, he looked at the right side of the street if there are cars approaching. he did saw a Toyota Altis car approaching which he estimated a distance of 7 cars away from where the jeepney stopped.
2. That as a driver himself, he knew it was safe to cross the street and ride the jeepney. He walked towards the jeepney and when he was already standing in front of the jeepney’s door, wherein he still haven’t stepped on it, the Toyota Altis car suddenly bumped him from behind.
3. That he immediately fell, but he still tried to carefully sit on the ground, although the pressure was still very strong. His body felt so numb, as he also looked at his legs and feet at first, but he knew then that there was a severe injury happened to him.
4. That the driver of the Toyota Altis car looked out for him, while the passengers of the jeepney all shouted due to their shock. His blood just kept flowing on the ground. The bystanders had different reactions and opinions; he heard some saying that he should be unmoved to where he fell, whereas some were saying that he should be sent to the hospital right away.
5. That despite the accident, the driver refused to let him sit on his car to go to the hospital due to his fear, he supposed, of having his blood stained on the car.
6. That a traffic aid and a few bystanders immediately carried and placed him inside a tricycle to rush him to the hospital. The driver of the Toyota Altis car just followed along.
7. That when he was in the tricycle, he started to feel so much pain because his body was condensed for him to be able to fit inside that tiny space of the tricycle. Moreover, besides the pain caused by the effect of the rocky road, the tire of the tricycle got stuck on a manhole that truly made him scream his all.
8. That as he arrived at the emergency room of Metropolitan Hospital, the pain was excruciating that he could even hardly move his legs which kept on bleeding more. Because of the pain on his legs and feet, he could not move his whole body then. He could see his broken bone of right/left leg out when the ER nurse cut off his pants.

This affidavit is to attest the truth of the foregoing statement and is to be executed for whatever legal intents and purposes it may serve.

Many were born with a chip in the head that says: “You must be liked by everyone and accepted by all.”

Of course for those of us who work a program strongly and are spiritually fit, we get to a point where we let go LITERALLY of all of that. It no longer matters if we’re accepted; it only matters if we love ourselves and act accordingly to others. Align with this, I suddenly remember my e-mail signature for all time in college:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss

We all belong and we all are accepted on earth, it’s just a matter of us seeing it and believing it. And seeing and believing in this is hard, I know. It’s even harder for me this week when I have encountered a big problem with my clients at work. But eventually, at the end of the work day, by God’s grace perhaps, we understood our states and acted upon our misses to resolve the issues at hand.

I confess that many times these past two weeks I thought I cannot continue doing what I’m doing. But through my friends’ and families’ moral support, I keep holding on. I also confess that I cried one too many times not because I felt so much stressed and didn’t know what to do but because I felt so much blessed.

During mornings when I listen to inspiring podcasts in the train, tears well up my eyes thinking of happy memories. I talk to myself—revealing pain, remembering love, sharing my personal ghosts as I move a step further into the next challenge.

These are the moments when I wanted to burst, to disperse into trillions of atomic, microscopic pieces; these are the times when I felt I would be so minuscule that when you (secret certain person) decide to lash out on me again, I’ll be more together than I am now.

To all those concerned, I got two words: Thank you.

In any case and anyway, I thought people don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.

Note to self:

Put one foot in the past, one foot in the future and your heart in the present, so you can see what you’ve been, where you want to go and what’s really best for you. Keep moving.

You’ll be fine. 🙂

This weekend was one stuffed with little big things.

I went swimming two days in a row, did hula hoops for non-stop five minutes, went brisk walking along Bukit Timah Road, Newton, met with Stacey (my friend since elementary), dyed my aunt’s hair velvet brown, read a large pile of old magazine and walked for a total of eight hours while window-shopping.

Oh, I am so restless. Can we have three rest days instead of two? This is me wishful thinking and then this is me sharing a lot of someday’s floating around in my head…

There is the house I will live in, the perfect weight I will be at, the marathon I will complete, the garden I will tend, the business I will make. The world will be safe. Someday.

And though I remind myself, often, that someday never comes, that there is only just today, this day, the one I am in, those someday’s always come creeping back in. I suppose it’s human nature, to dream, to look to the future, to wonder what it might hold. But then I wonder how much of my life I am missing or wasting by spending time on someday when I could be, should be, spending it in this day, in this hour, in this moment.

I go back and forth between the two, trying to find the balance. Living in the moment is so much more difficult than it sounds. My body can do it, my physical self has no choice but to be where it is when it is there. But my mind, it wanders. And yes, I can rein it in, pull it back, sit it down in this chair and say, listen.

But is that always the best thing to do? Aren’t those dreams just as important as the smell of the flowers in the vase before me? Aren’t the possibilities as valuable as the present? Most days, I can’t decide. I try to do both, appreciate where I am, while also contemplating where I might end up.

In a perfect zen moment I am only here, in the now, in the sun I sit in, away from my family and comfort zone. When I have those moments, I revel in them, breathe them in, embrace their importance. But my mind has its own set of wings and often takes flight before I can stop it. And when it soars high above me looking towards some other time and place, I have to wonder if it’s fair to keep it tethered to my ankle.

I don’t have the answer to which way is best. I know it’s important to enjoy what I have when I have it, where I am. I know this. I see beauty in the tiniest of places, in the green trees that greet me as I walk to the MRT station every morning, in the steaming cup of milk tea that starts my day, in the long line waiting for a bus to the office, in the e-mails I read, reports I need to generate and meetings and presentations I need to prepare for. I recognize the value of immersing myself in these things.

But then my mind will hear the echo of a promise and take off in search of the source.

Sometimes, I just sit back and let it wander.

My body can hold its place ’til it returns.

Someday.